You all know the routine, you start out feeling a little achy and you try to ignore it thinking it will go away, then the area around your eyes and around your nasal cavity starts this tingling burning feeling and the next think you know, BAMM, you have a nasty head cold. Well I started the achy feeling mid afternoon on Friday and I really tried to ignore it, I had way too much to do this weekend to even think about getting sick. But by the time I fought my way though the Friday night traffic to get home ( have I mentioned here how bad the traffic has gotten again since gas prices have gone back down!!??), I just gave up and after dinner I went to bed hoping it was just an over night thing. WRONG! It did seem a little better Saturday and we ran around going some errands getting ready to start decorating both houses (ours and Patrick's parent's next door) for the Holidays.
Saturday night was my office Holiday Party at Il Moro ristorante. Every year the 3 doctors I work for take the staff and our significant others out to a really nice dinner at an upscale restraunt. We had a really nice time and I would recommend the place highly but be ready
to pay a little extra. This ain't Denny's!
So we got home around midnight and I went to bed thinking the head cold was on it way out, wrong again. Sometime during the night the Cold Fairy paid me a visit and put a double whammy on me. I woke up this morning feeling worse than I had all weekend. So much of the day I spent in bed and all the decorations are still in their boxes. We did manage to make it to Homo Depot and get our Christmas tree and one for his parents and the kids. They are both
really nice. At least we have something like 18 more days to Christmas, I am sure we can get them decorated before then.
So send me some positive energy and thoughts so I can beat this thing. I am very thankful that it has not gone into my chest but stayed in my head, but then, with as much empty space as I have up there, it could wander around a long time before it leaves!!
later
12/7/08
11/29/08
Ice Cream on Your Cobbler?
The day after I arrived in Texas, my sister and I drove over to Beaumont to pick up my brother and his family, and we head off to the great state of Louisiana. Now you just might be asking yourself, "If he just got to Texas, why would be heading off to Louisiana?", well I will tell you.
My Mom was born Texas but she grew up in Louisiana for the most part. For many years
she and my Grandparents lived in Oakdale, Louisiana, and that is where we were heading to that day. You see, there is only one relative left from my Mom's generation. Someone who grew up with my Mom and can still remember all the "old ones" that have died on gone on to Glory.
Someone who knew my Grandparents, and great Aunts and Uncles, the very ones we pay our respects to when we go by the old cemetary. That one lone survivor is our Cousin Rena May.
All my life we have gone back to Oakdale to visit Cousin Rena Mae and her family. She and her husband, Ivy, grew up with my Mom and her sisters. I did not know till very recently that before Cousins Rena Mae met her husband Ivy, he and my Mom were boyfriend/girlfriend.
But that is way more than you probably want to know. Needless to say, it didn't last between
Mom and Ivy. He and Rena Mae were married over 50 years before he died a few year ago.
So since I was home, we decided the three of us should make one more trip over to see her.
It is only a three hour trip over to see her, well it is probably shorter but we were all laughing and talking and it turned into a three hour trip. My sister had written to her a few weeks before and asked if it was ok if we come and she shot a letter right back telling my sister to please come and she would cook us chicken and dumplings. Now I do not know if you have ever had HOMEMADE chicken and dumplings, I mean made from scratch, nothing pre-bought except the ingredients. but let me tell you, I would drive more than three hours to get that!
We actually arrive a little later than we had planned. We pulled into Oakdale, which is a VERY small town and we found the road to go to Cousin Rena Mae's. We drove down this narrow road that was once a very busy road in its day. The old sawmill was located on this road and if you
look through the trees and over grown brush you can still the old sawmill building that are overgrown in the woods. As the road got narrower we knew we were close to her house, and as we made the bend in the road we could see her sitting on the poarch waiting for us. Now I should let you know, Cousin Rena Mae is around 90 or 91.
She got all excited as we get out of the car and all hug and kiss and she hurries us into the kitchen to eat, she don't want it getting cold!!
So there we were, all sitting around the table eating HOMEMADE chicken and dumplings (that were to die for!), macaronie and cheese and HOME MADE corn bread. Now I will even start to tell you about how much I LOVE homemade cornbread. It's a little piece of Heaven, let me tell you. We were all stuffed to the gills and then, she brought out the HOMEMADE peach cobbler.
It was amazing.
So she takes us up some cobbler and we are just starting to eat it when my brother's little boy wanted to go outside and play. She Nancy, my brother's wife, took him outside to play.
Well here were are eating our cobbler and as soon as Nancy leaves the room, Cousins Rena Mae turns to us and says " I am so glad she left I need to talk to you kids", well we all looked at her and the next words she said was " I need to tell you your Mother was adopted. She really belongs to your Grannie Yielding sister, Stella. Stella did not know who the father was ( we found out later Stella got around alot, and not in a good way. She had several children by different guys and gave them all away.) and after she had her she gave her to her sister (my grandmother) to raise as her own." Well I am not sure who was more shocked, but when I looked over to where my brother was he still had his fork halfway between his cobbler bowl and his mouth.
THEN, she turns to me like she had said nothing and said "Jaymes, would you like some ice
cream on your cobbler?" Somehow I got the word out "Sure". We all just kinda sat there for a minute and finally my sister started asking her a few questions about what he had just laid on us.
According to Cousin Rena Mae, my Mom did not know anything about this. Cousin Rena Mae's Mother was Bessie, who was also a sister to Nancy(my grandmother) and Stella. Cousin Rena Mae said everyone was sworn to secretcy about it when it happen. Her mother told her and she said she just had to let us know before she died. ( We all decided later that as far as we were concerned she could have just taken it to the grave with her).
Shortly after that more relatives started coming in and we did not get to talk about it anymore.
Later as we drove away, we were all quiet, my sister finally said "Well guys how do you fell about this little turn of events?" We really did not know what to say and then we all started
running back through all the stories we had been told all our lives about when Mom was born and about her life growing up. To be honest, we were pretty shell schocked. We did not know what to think. So, over the next few days, we all three contacted all the older cousins who were younger than Mom and asked them about it. They all said they had never heard anything like that and they all agreed with us that if it were true, knowing Mom's older sister, none of them would have ever been able to keep it a secret, Hell none of of them had ever been able to keep a secret about anything. (Just to let you know, my Mom came from a large family and her oldest sister was 20 years older then her)
So here is the conclusion we all three came to: If she was indeed the daughter of Stella and adopted by my Grandparents, it changes nothing, everyone involved is dead. In my Mom's world, my Grandparents were her real parents and all her sisters and brothers were her family, so that is all that truly matters. We do know that Stella died in a State Hospital when she was in her 60's but we do not know where she is buried. We are going to do our best to find where she is buried and make sure she has a nice headstone, and leave it at that.
I am really not sure if I will ever eat peach cobbler again.
later
The Deer Hunter
Well you can say you saw it here first! Yes I am holding several guns, no I did not shoot any of them and if you notice to my lower right, your lower left, yes that is a REAL dead deer laying across the 4 wheeler. No I did not shoot the deer, my brother-in-law did just a about 30 minutes or so before this picture was taken. One of the Doctors Iwork for asked me to send him a picture of me holding a weapon after he found out I can shoot a gun. This is the picture we sent him. Just so you know, I can shoot the rifle leaning up against the 4 wheeler, yea its scary I know!
Deep In The Heart of Texas
" The stars at night, are big and bright
deep in the heart of Texas
The praire sky is wide and high
deep in the heart of Texas"
Yep that is just where I was a couple of weeks ago, deep in the heart of (East)Texas. After almost a year and half, I decided it was high time I took a little trip back home to Texas, just so
everyone there would not forget just how good looking I am ! (Just kidding!!) Every since I moved out here to the Californias I have gone back to Texas to see the family about once a year.
But this past year I was not able to go since I had changed jobs in the middle of the year and did not have any vacation time. So on November 8 Patrick dropped me off at LAX and a couple hours later I was in the big silver tube hurling through space toward Texas. My sister and brother-in-law picked me up at the airport and we started back to their house were I stayed for the next week.
Now the very minute you step out of the airport you can notice a BIG difference between Los Angeles and Houston, Texas. For one, even though is it an international airport, it is way smaller than LAX. As we were making our descent into Houston, I looked out the window and saw downtown Houston, the first thing I said was "It looks so small!". Well comparted to downown LA, I guess it is. And downtown LA sure does not have as many trees surounding it as Houston does either. There is another shocking difference when you step out of the airport, EVERYTHING is so green!
We drove the 90 miles back to my sister's and dropped off my brother-in-law so he could
go deer hunting that afternoon. Yes, I said deer hunting. That in itself is a whole nother story I will not venture into, although I will try and include a pic of yours truly with guns and a deer to show you what I mean. Yes as scary as it may sound to you, I do own a gun, I do know how to shoot it, although not really well any more.
So after we dropped my brother-in-law off at home, my sister and I headed to Beaumont (which is about 30 miles away) to see my brother and his family. My brother, Steve, and his wife, Nancy, have a beautiful son named Morgan. Morgan and I do talk on the phone when I call my brother about every couple of weeks, but I have not seen him since he was 2, he just turned
I was not ready for a grown up little Morgan, but that is just what I got. He is adorable, and better yet, he really loves his Uncle Jaymes. We played and
laughed alot (he and I got in trouble at the restruant when we went to eat because we were making too much noise!)
So after we went to dinner, my sister and I headed back to her house. Anyone living in the Los Angeles area would be very envious of the Texas freeways. They are beautiful, wide, smooth and not really that many cars on them. I called them Heaven!
So for the rest of the week my sister and I ran around the countryside, visited some old homes that are now museums, took long walks in the woods, watch my brother-in-law and his brother and a friend, gut and skin a deer one of them had killed,drove around on their 200+ acres of blue berries (they are blue berry farmers) in her gold cart and just relaxed and had a wonderful time.
One thing I do want to mention that many of you will find strange, one of the reason I like to go back home to Texas besides seeing my family,is I really enjoy how quiet it is there. And I do mean quiet. Not even on a good day anywhere in the LA can you experience the queitness that
is there. It is total forests and ponds and lakes and creeks, nothing for miles and miles that would make a loud noise. I can sit on her back porch and watch the squirrels run around the yard and up the trees. I can try and count how many different kinds of birds I see in her trees (Saw a Bluejay and a Red Headed Woodpecker this trip). That is the kind of world I grew up in all my younger life, and it that part I really miss sometimes. They laugh at me back home when I tell them I really miss hearing the wind blow through the pines trees, it is the most soothing sound I know. They laugh at me about that because they have no idea what is like NOT to be able to step outside and hear it.
This trip was really good for me and I am really glad I stayed so long this time.( I usually stay only 3 or 4 days but this time I was there for 9.) The countryside where I grew up has really changed. Two horrible hurricanes have torn through there in the last 3 years, the forrests that I grew up with and played in and lived around, have really been changed by the high winds of the hurricanes. My sister is getting ready to put my Mom's house on the market to sell, which we have to do according to her Will. That is the house I grew up in since I was 5. Through the years, where ever I have been and I think about going back home, it is that house I think about going back to. If things work out as we hope, this will be the last trip back home that I get to
sit on that porch and look out over the neighborhood I grew up in. But you know, this is not
a sad thing. Since my Mom passed away, it is just a house. I was really surprised the first time
I went there after she passed way. It did not feel special anymore, it was just a house like that of someone I did not know. And I realized that now it is just a house,what made it such a special place was gone. Over the past couple of years since she died, I have wrestled with this intense sadness from time to time that I could not explain. But a week or so before I went to Texas, I tried to explain what I was feeling to Patrick, and he looked at me and told me, "You miss your Mom", and I realized that he was so right. But this trip back home to Texas helped me to make
peace with that sadness, and I came back to California a much happier me.
We had a couple of adventures while I was there that I will share with you in a couple of other posting, so stay tuned!!
later!
p.s. For those of you who are not Texans, and for those of you are wish you were, the above
verse comes from a very lively little tune every Texan knows by heart. It is fast and lively and
even has hand clappen in it. Just ask me and I just might teach it to you!!
deep in the heart of Texas
The praire sky is wide and high
deep in the heart of Texas"
Yep that is just where I was a couple of weeks ago, deep in the heart of (East)Texas. After almost a year and half, I decided it was high time I took a little trip back home to Texas, just so
everyone there would not forget just how good looking I am ! (Just kidding!!) Every since I moved out here to the Californias I have gone back to Texas to see the family about once a year.
But this past year I was not able to go since I had changed jobs in the middle of the year and did not have any vacation time. So on November 8 Patrick dropped me off at LAX and a couple hours later I was in the big silver tube hurling through space toward Texas. My sister and brother-in-law picked me up at the airport and we started back to their house were I stayed for the next week.
Now the very minute you step out of the airport you can notice a BIG difference between Los Angeles and Houston, Texas. For one, even though is it an international airport, it is way smaller than LAX. As we were making our descent into Houston, I looked out the window and saw downtown Houston, the first thing I said was "It looks so small!". Well comparted to downown LA, I guess it is. And downtown LA sure does not have as many trees surounding it as Houston does either. There is another shocking difference when you step out of the airport, EVERYTHING is so green!
We drove the 90 miles back to my sister's and dropped off my brother-in-law so he could
go deer hunting that afternoon. Yes, I said deer hunting. That in itself is a whole nother story I will not venture into, although I will try and include a pic of yours truly with guns and a deer to show you what I mean. Yes as scary as it may sound to you, I do own a gun, I do know how to shoot it, although not really well any more.
So after we dropped my brother-in-law off at home, my sister and I headed to Beaumont (which is about 30 miles away) to see my brother and his family. My brother, Steve, and his wife, Nancy, have a beautiful son named Morgan. Morgan and I do talk on the phone when I call my brother about every couple of weeks, but I have not seen him since he was 2, he just turned
I was not ready for a grown up little Morgan, but that is just what I got. He is adorable, and better yet, he really loves his Uncle Jaymes. We played and
laughed alot (he and I got in trouble at the restruant when we went to eat because we were making too much noise!)So after we went to dinner, my sister and I headed back to her house. Anyone living in the Los Angeles area would be very envious of the Texas freeways. They are beautiful, wide, smooth and not really that many cars on them. I called them Heaven!
So for the rest of the week my sister and I ran around the countryside, visited some old homes that are now museums, took long walks in the woods, watch my brother-in-law and his brother and a friend, gut and skin a deer one of them had killed,drove around on their 200+ acres of blue berries (they are blue berry farmers) in her gold cart and just relaxed and had a wonderful time.
One thing I do want to mention that many of you will find strange, one of the reason I like to go back home to Texas besides seeing my family,is I really enjoy how quiet it is there. And I do mean quiet. Not even on a good day anywhere in the LA can you experience the queitness that
is there. It is total forests and ponds and lakes and creeks, nothing for miles and miles that would make a loud noise. I can sit on her back porch and watch the squirrels run around the yard and up the trees. I can try and count how many different kinds of birds I see in her trees (Saw a Bluejay and a Red Headed Woodpecker this trip). That is the kind of world I grew up in all my younger life, and it that part I really miss sometimes. They laugh at me back home when I tell them I really miss hearing the wind blow through the pines trees, it is the most soothing sound I know. They laugh at me about that because they have no idea what is like NOT to be able to step outside and hear it.
This trip was really good for me and I am really glad I stayed so long this time.( I usually stay only 3 or 4 days but this time I was there for 9.) The countryside where I grew up has really changed. Two horrible hurricanes have torn through there in the last 3 years, the forrests that I grew up with and played in and lived around, have really been changed by the high winds of the hurricanes. My sister is getting ready to put my Mom's house on the market to sell, which we have to do according to her Will. That is the house I grew up in since I was 5. Through the years, where ever I have been and I think about going back home, it is that house I think about going back to. If things work out as we hope, this will be the last trip back home that I get to
sit on that porch and look out over the neighborhood I grew up in. But you know, this is not
a sad thing. Since my Mom passed away, it is just a house. I was really surprised the first time
I went there after she passed way. It did not feel special anymore, it was just a house like that of someone I did not know. And I realized that now it is just a house,what made it such a special place was gone. Over the past couple of years since she died, I have wrestled with this intense sadness from time to time that I could not explain. But a week or so before I went to Texas, I tried to explain what I was feeling to Patrick, and he looked at me and told me, "You miss your Mom", and I realized that he was so right. But this trip back home to Texas helped me to make
peace with that sadness, and I came back to California a much happier me.
We had a couple of adventures while I was there that I will share with you in a couple of other posting, so stay tuned!!
later!
p.s. For those of you who are not Texans, and for those of you are wish you were, the above
verse comes from a very lively little tune every Texan knows by heart. It is fast and lively and
even has hand clappen in it. Just ask me and I just might teach it to you!!
11/1/08
Palm Springs Weekend
Most of you probably don't remember the 1963 movie "Palm Spring Weekend" staring Troy Donahue, Connie Stevens, Ty Hardin, Stephanie Powers and Robert Conrad. It was actually shot in Palm Springs and Cathedral City. The hotel where the movie took place is still there, it was built especially for the movie and later sold once the movie was finished. It has always been a Gay hotel even though it has seemed to change hangs many times during the years. I have many fond memories of laying by the pool and attending different parties there. It was alway a popular place.
Well today we are leaving for our own Palm Springs Weekend. It is Gay Pride Weekend and we always try to make it down there to celebrate with the Desert Folk, so many of them are my friends!! It has actually been a while since Patrick and I have had the chance to run away and have a weekend by ourselves, so off we go. Next week this time I will be in Texas to spend a week with my sister and brother and all the little rug rats in my family. So this weekend my
Pooh and I are off to have good time.
Enjoy your weekend whatever it is you are doing!! I will be reporting back to tell you about
our little adventure!!
later dudes!
10/31/08
Happy Halloween!!! 2008
Wow, where has this year gone????? Here we are celebrating the most festive Holiday of the Year....Gay Christmas!!....or as most of you know it....Halloween!
We are not doing much tonight, decided to hang out here at home instead of joining the other 250,000 people at the West Hollywood Carnival. But before we settle in for the evening I thought I would share a little blast from the past with you. Think back...what were you wearing for Halloween, 1991? Well here is a glimpse of what I was wearing that evening.....what you can't see are the fabulous heels I was wearing, and yes I did do alot of dancing in them that night. Also in the picture are my sisters in crime, the two best girlfriends a girl could ever have. On the left (in white) is my sister Trixie and on the left (in black) is my sister Goya. We were a force to be reconded with in the day!! (and trust me, we still are!)
Happy Halloween!!
later
We are not doing much tonight, decided to hang out here at home instead of joining the other 250,000 people at the West Hollywood Carnival. But before we settle in for the evening I thought I would share a little blast from the past with you. Think back...what were you wearing for Halloween, 1991? Well here is a glimpse of what I was wearing that evening.....what you can't see are the fabulous heels I was wearing, and yes I did do alot of dancing in them that night. Also in the picture are my sisters in crime, the two best girlfriends a girl could ever have. On the left (in white) is my sister Trixie and on the left (in black) is my sister Goya. We were a force to be reconded with in the day!! (and trust me, we still are!)
Happy Halloween!!
later
10/11/08
Happy National Coming Out Day!!!!!
Just in case you did not know it, today is National Coming Out Day! NCOD was started in 1988 by Dr.Richard Eichberg and Jean O'Leary in celebration of the Second National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights, which was held in 1987. At the National March on Washington, 500,000 people marched on Washington, DC for Gay and Lesbian equality.
Now days, NCOD events are aimed at raising awareness among every day people about the Gay and Lesbian community and to provide resources for those coming out, their families and friends.
I have often been asked when I knew I was Gay, and while I have long known I was attracted to guys, say from around the age of 10 or 11, I really did not know their were other people in the world that were like me until I was in my middle teens. For many years I really thought there was something very bad wrong with me that I was not a like the other guys in my class at school. Of course they were always talking about their girlfriends and things and while I had many girls who were my friends, I just was not attracted to them in a boyfriend/girlfriend sort of way.
So I kept my "dark secret" to myself and played the game so no one would know I had this "major defect". Yes I even had a girlfriend for a while in High School. I really tried to fit in but inside it was not working. When I was around 14, my family started getting involved in the Baptist Church, and it was there that I found out there were many people like myself in the world and God hated them all. At least once a quarter, my Pastor felt like it was his duty to
warn us about the horrible creatures that God hated so much call homosexuals. It was
during this time in my life that I really started to hate myself. I would pray and pray and ask God to change me and not let me have thethoughts I was having about different guys at school and please make me like I was suppose to be. (Little did I know at the time She had already made me just like I was suppose to be!) It was a very depressing and self hating time in my life. Now if you had known me at the time, you would not have seen a depressed, self hating guy, O no you would have seen some who was always upbeat and fun to be around, you would have liked me and probably would have wanted to hang out with me. Everyone loved me, except me.
Now you must realize a couple of things, this was during the 60s and early 70s when being Gay was a very bad thing. Anywhere in the US of A you could lose your job if they knew you were Gay or Lesbian. We had no laws to protect us against anything. You could be arrested and taken to jail just because you were in a Gay bar. And also I lived in a very small country town in Southeast Texas. I had no one I could talk about this with at all. I honestly thought I was the only person like me in Silsbee. I was alone with my deep dark secret, and hating the awful person I was, everyday.
I kept my secret with me for many more years, doing whatever and acting however I needed to so people would never suspect who I really was. I have to tell you that when you carry self hatred inside of you for a long time, it eats away your soul. I was a great actor, most people in my life never suspected at thing. I even married and had 3 beautiful children, had a nice house and a good job. But after 10 years, the marriage ended in divorce and I was a wreck, a really big total wreck. I went into a really bad depression, my doctor told me if I did not get away from all of it I would end up having a nervous breakdown.
My sister and her family were living in Casper, Wyoming at the time of my divorce. My brother-in-law was working as a directional driller and his job was located there. My sister has always, ALWAYS, been my best friend. Now of course I was close with my Mom but my sister and I have always had a special close relationship. She knew of course what I was going through and
when they were home visiting during this time, she tried to talk me into moving up to Wyoming with them and getting myself together and making a new start. Of course I told her there was no way I could, I could not think about not getting to see my kids (which I got to see for a few hours one day a month) and my life was there an blah, blah,blah. So when their visit was over, they went back home to Casper, without me. Things continued to go downhill for me emotionally over the next few weeks, I was getting more depressed. My whole family was really worried about me. I did not find out till a few years later they were really afraid I was going to commit suicide, which actually never entered my mind. Then while I was at work one day, I realized I just could not take it anymore, I walked over to my desk, picked up the phone and called my sister and told her I couldn't handle it anymore and could I still come stay with her.
That is all it took. In about 2 weeks, I had quit my job, got rid of my apt,packed up everything I owned and was living with my sister and her family in Casper, Wyoming. There were conditions for me being able to come live with them, I could not work for 3 months, they took care of what few bills I had, I was to rest, hang out with my sister and get myself back together physically and emotionally, and after that 3 months, we would go from there. I was so fortunate to have people who loved me so much. They provide me with a truck (yes a truck) to drive an a credit card to put gas in it. Spending money would "appear" on my dresser from time to time. In short,
I truly believe and will always believe, they truly saved my life.
It was during these 3 months as I tried to put my life back together, that I was able for the first time in my life start dealing with something I had always known but kept buried deep down inside of me, I was Gay. I went to the Casper Library and found some wonderful books on being Gay and I ready everything I could find. (Now I need to stop and clarify something here, before
I got married, I had had sexual experiences with a few other guys so I was not totally stupid
about what guys did together). I came to realize more and more that I wasn't this sick horrible creature that I always hated. It was not an overnight transformation but it was a good start.
I "accidentally" met a guy in the mall (no not in the restroom!) who I suspected was Gay and the second time I went into the store where he worked to buy something, he actually invited me to have coffee with him and I did . As we were having coffee he flat out ask me if I was Gay and I was a little shook up and I told him I was pretty sure I was. He told me he was and if I needed to talk he would be happy to listen. Wow, I finally had a Gay friend! We did become friends and he introduced me to several of this friends. It was a real eye opener for me. Of course I was still very much in the closet to my sister and her family so I wanted to go out with some of them I would just tell her I was going out with some of my new friends, which was true. It was during this time my life really started to change. I was actually discovering more about myself and liking who I was. During one of the trips to the mall with one of my new friends, he told me this certain clerk who worked at B Dalton Book Store was Gay and his name was Calvin. We didn't even go into B Dalton's that day but I looked in and saw what Calvin looked like. A few days later
I went to the bookstore to actually buy a book and Calvin waited on me. Now it was a Gay themed book that they did not have in stock so he ordered it for me. Well I left the mall and drove home and when I walked in the phone was ringing. I did not think anything of it, but when I answered it , it was Calvin from the bookstore, and he asked me out to a dinner party he was going to that night. He had picked up the fact that I was Gay from the book I ordered. I have to tell you I was speechless. So that night I had my first date as a Gay man and then that lead to a second date which lead to Calvin and I being partners for over a year and a half.
Now when Calvin and I decided to move in together, I knew that I would finally have to come out to my sister. I can in no way express to you who terrified I was. I had heard stories from some of my new friends about how their families and friends had reacted to their coming out and it was not all positive. One of my friends family had disowned him and did not want to have anything to do with him anymore and this was so terrifing to me. I just did not know what I would do if my sister reacted like that. But I had to do it. So one night when my brother-in-law was away on business, I asked my sister out to dinner. It was during dinner that I kept trying to tell her I was Gay, I almost broke down and cried once I was so scared and finally she looked up at me and said" Honey, why don't you just go ahead and tell me you're Gay before your steak gets cold". My jaw must have hit the table. I could not believe she already knew and she said she had known for years and was just waiting for me to come to grips with it on my own. I asked her who else knew and she said her whole family knew. My two nephews loving called me "Auntie James" behind my back. They knew Calvin was much more than just my new best friend. I will always remember the weight that was lifted off of me as we sat there an talked about it. I was finally able to talk to her about everything.
That was the first time I had come out to someone I loved. Through the years I have come out to the rest of my family and have always had a positive experience. I have also come out to all my friends through the years and unfortunately I can not tell you they have all been positive experiences. Some walked away and I have not heard from them since.
Coming to terms with who you are is a very liberating experience. But every one's experience is different. Every time I go to a Gay Pride event anywhere, I always think as I look over the crowds, that for every Gay, Lesbian, Bi or Transgender person there, there is a story of when they realized they were different and their journey into being who they are today. So when you have the opportunity to have a LBGT person as a friend, just realize that the person they are today is the result of a very long road of self awareness and pride.
Like I said before, coming out is a very liberating experience, but is it not a one time event.
It is something all of us in the LGBT community have to do over and over everyday. As we travel to new places and new friends come into our lives, there is always another time for us to come out. I know one day, maybe not in my lifetime, but one day, who we are as won't
matter and every one will justbe accepted for who they are.
later
ps. Just a few years after I graduated High School, I found out that there were 5 other Gay guys in my graduation class besides me. I had know all of them from the first grade all the way to graduation. We were all so in the closet we did not know about each other. One of them, Benny,
I had a crush on from our freshman year through graduation. And I found out that he too
had had a crush on me during the same time. What a help we could have been to each other
if only we had known.
Now days, NCOD events are aimed at raising awareness among every day people about the Gay and Lesbian community and to provide resources for those coming out, their families and friends.
I have often been asked when I knew I was Gay, and while I have long known I was attracted to guys, say from around the age of 10 or 11, I really did not know their were other people in the world that were like me until I was in my middle teens. For many years I really thought there was something very bad wrong with me that I was not a like the other guys in my class at school. Of course they were always talking about their girlfriends and things and while I had many girls who were my friends, I just was not attracted to them in a boyfriend/girlfriend sort of way.
So I kept my "dark secret" to myself and played the game so no one would know I had this "major defect". Yes I even had a girlfriend for a while in High School. I really tried to fit in but inside it was not working. When I was around 14, my family started getting involved in the Baptist Church, and it was there that I found out there were many people like myself in the world and God hated them all. At least once a quarter, my Pastor felt like it was his duty to
warn us about the horrible creatures that God hated so much call homosexuals. It was
during this time in my life that I really started to hate myself. I would pray and pray and ask God to change me and not let me have thethoughts I was having about different guys at school and please make me like I was suppose to be. (Little did I know at the time She had already made me just like I was suppose to be!) It was a very depressing and self hating time in my life. Now if you had known me at the time, you would not have seen a depressed, self hating guy, O no you would have seen some who was always upbeat and fun to be around, you would have liked me and probably would have wanted to hang out with me. Everyone loved me, except me.
Now you must realize a couple of things, this was during the 60s and early 70s when being Gay was a very bad thing. Anywhere in the US of A you could lose your job if they knew you were Gay or Lesbian. We had no laws to protect us against anything. You could be arrested and taken to jail just because you were in a Gay bar. And also I lived in a very small country town in Southeast Texas. I had no one I could talk about this with at all. I honestly thought I was the only person like me in Silsbee. I was alone with my deep dark secret, and hating the awful person I was, everyday.
I kept my secret with me for many more years, doing whatever and acting however I needed to so people would never suspect who I really was. I have to tell you that when you carry self hatred inside of you for a long time, it eats away your soul. I was a great actor, most people in my life never suspected at thing. I even married and had 3 beautiful children, had a nice house and a good job. But after 10 years, the marriage ended in divorce and I was a wreck, a really big total wreck. I went into a really bad depression, my doctor told me if I did not get away from all of it I would end up having a nervous breakdown.
My sister and her family were living in Casper, Wyoming at the time of my divorce. My brother-in-law was working as a directional driller and his job was located there. My sister has always, ALWAYS, been my best friend. Now of course I was close with my Mom but my sister and I have always had a special close relationship. She knew of course what I was going through and
when they were home visiting during this time, she tried to talk me into moving up to Wyoming with them and getting myself together and making a new start. Of course I told her there was no way I could, I could not think about not getting to see my kids (which I got to see for a few hours one day a month) and my life was there an blah, blah,blah. So when their visit was over, they went back home to Casper, without me. Things continued to go downhill for me emotionally over the next few weeks, I was getting more depressed. My whole family was really worried about me. I did not find out till a few years later they were really afraid I was going to commit suicide, which actually never entered my mind. Then while I was at work one day, I realized I just could not take it anymore, I walked over to my desk, picked up the phone and called my sister and told her I couldn't handle it anymore and could I still come stay with her.
That is all it took. In about 2 weeks, I had quit my job, got rid of my apt,packed up everything I owned and was living with my sister and her family in Casper, Wyoming. There were conditions for me being able to come live with them, I could not work for 3 months, they took care of what few bills I had, I was to rest, hang out with my sister and get myself back together physically and emotionally, and after that 3 months, we would go from there. I was so fortunate to have people who loved me so much. They provide me with a truck (yes a truck) to drive an a credit card to put gas in it. Spending money would "appear" on my dresser from time to time. In short,
I truly believe and will always believe, they truly saved my life.
It was during these 3 months as I tried to put my life back together, that I was able for the first time in my life start dealing with something I had always known but kept buried deep down inside of me, I was Gay. I went to the Casper Library and found some wonderful books on being Gay and I ready everything I could find. (Now I need to stop and clarify something here, before
I got married, I had had sexual experiences with a few other guys so I was not totally stupid
about what guys did together). I came to realize more and more that I wasn't this sick horrible creature that I always hated. It was not an overnight transformation but it was a good start.
I "accidentally" met a guy in the mall (no not in the restroom!) who I suspected was Gay and the second time I went into the store where he worked to buy something, he actually invited me to have coffee with him and I did . As we were having coffee he flat out ask me if I was Gay and I was a little shook up and I told him I was pretty sure I was. He told me he was and if I needed to talk he would be happy to listen. Wow, I finally had a Gay friend! We did become friends and he introduced me to several of this friends. It was a real eye opener for me. Of course I was still very much in the closet to my sister and her family so I wanted to go out with some of them I would just tell her I was going out with some of my new friends, which was true. It was during this time my life really started to change. I was actually discovering more about myself and liking who I was. During one of the trips to the mall with one of my new friends, he told me this certain clerk who worked at B Dalton Book Store was Gay and his name was Calvin. We didn't even go into B Dalton's that day but I looked in and saw what Calvin looked like. A few days later
I went to the bookstore to actually buy a book and Calvin waited on me. Now it was a Gay themed book that they did not have in stock so he ordered it for me. Well I left the mall and drove home and when I walked in the phone was ringing. I did not think anything of it, but when I answered it , it was Calvin from the bookstore, and he asked me out to a dinner party he was going to that night. He had picked up the fact that I was Gay from the book I ordered. I have to tell you I was speechless. So that night I had my first date as a Gay man and then that lead to a second date which lead to Calvin and I being partners for over a year and a half.
Now when Calvin and I decided to move in together, I knew that I would finally have to come out to my sister. I can in no way express to you who terrified I was. I had heard stories from some of my new friends about how their families and friends had reacted to their coming out and it was not all positive. One of my friends family had disowned him and did not want to have anything to do with him anymore and this was so terrifing to me. I just did not know what I would do if my sister reacted like that. But I had to do it. So one night when my brother-in-law was away on business, I asked my sister out to dinner. It was during dinner that I kept trying to tell her I was Gay, I almost broke down and cried once I was so scared and finally she looked up at me and said" Honey, why don't you just go ahead and tell me you're Gay before your steak gets cold". My jaw must have hit the table. I could not believe she already knew and she said she had known for years and was just waiting for me to come to grips with it on my own. I asked her who else knew and she said her whole family knew. My two nephews loving called me "Auntie James" behind my back. They knew Calvin was much more than just my new best friend. I will always remember the weight that was lifted off of me as we sat there an talked about it. I was finally able to talk to her about everything.
That was the first time I had come out to someone I loved. Through the years I have come out to the rest of my family and have always had a positive experience. I have also come out to all my friends through the years and unfortunately I can not tell you they have all been positive experiences. Some walked away and I have not heard from them since.
Coming to terms with who you are is a very liberating experience. But every one's experience is different. Every time I go to a Gay Pride event anywhere, I always think as I look over the crowds, that for every Gay, Lesbian, Bi or Transgender person there, there is a story of when they realized they were different and their journey into being who they are today. So when you have the opportunity to have a LBGT person as a friend, just realize that the person they are today is the result of a very long road of self awareness and pride.
Like I said before, coming out is a very liberating experience, but is it not a one time event.
It is something all of us in the LGBT community have to do over and over everyday. As we travel to new places and new friends come into our lives, there is always another time for us to come out. I know one day, maybe not in my lifetime, but one day, who we are as won't
matter and every one will justbe accepted for who they are.
later
ps. Just a few years after I graduated High School, I found out that there were 5 other Gay guys in my graduation class besides me. I had know all of them from the first grade all the way to graduation. We were all so in the closet we did not know about each other. One of them, Benny,
I had a crush on from our freshman year through graduation. And I found out that he too
had had a crush on me during the same time. What a help we could have been to each other
if only we had known.
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